Pain and Love

So Im up early. Ive been up since 4am. I went to bed at 1am. Do the math. But today there is a reason other then not being able to sleep, that made me get. The pain in my sides, belly and back from my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrom) is just horrible. I havent been in this much pain in awhile. Although I always have pain in my side, I dont get bad flare ups like this often because of all the meds I take for it. I got up at 4 and ate some animal crackers then took a big boy pain pill and it didnt do shit, so I took another one at 6:30 and its still isnt doing shit. I guess Im either gonna have to deal with it, or go to the hospital where they will torture me with stupid test before they manage the pain for me (which is the only way to get it to stop, but then I become a zombie). So hospital is out. Its not my apendix's, which they always think it is. It hasnt been my apendixs for the last 12 years Ive had this. I think I would know the difference by now, trust me. I dont know if many of you know about my IBS come to think of it. I have a serious case of IBS, minus the pooping all the time. I dont do that. Mine is all pain.

And over the last 3 years, Ive gotten more symptoms, like the horride, painful bloating. My belly and abdomen stick out and get rigid and it hurts so bad. I cant wear pants when this happens because one, they dont fit, and two, its hurts to damn much or bend over. Sitting even hurts. Then the burning cramps all through my intestines (worse then period cramps, especially when I get them at the same time). This one also sucks. And the last one, which is rather gross, and still freaks even me out, is the mucus in my poop. Its white, or when I eat fruit rolls ups, what ever color I ate that day. I'll feel like I have to go to the bathroom really bad and I'll go, but the only thing that comes out is mucus. I thought I was dieing when this first happened. But alas, it was only another symptom. Ive been on every IBS medication thats on the market in every combo, including trail stuff to manage the pain, and noting really helps. The only thing it does is allow me to get out of bed, which is amazing because before they figured out what it was, I couldnt get out of bed, go to work (which I almost got fired), go to school, hang out, nothing. I didnt have a life because when I did go out in public, I would pass out from the pain which was and still is really embaressing or throw up or both. So right now I take 4 different medications just for my IBS. One four times a day, one three times a day, one twice a day and the last once a day. Thats not including the pain meds which is the only way to somewhat help it (or my crazy pills). Ive tried to join studies for it, but no one is doing studies on pain, just the pooping part. Its not currable, so I deal with it. But one days like today, it hurts so bad I wanna kill someones. Sharp and dull pain mixed in with whatever else my body wants to do. In short (which is too last for that :sorry:) it sucks.

But since I came down stairs at 4, Ive been sitting in front of the fish tank in my chair Boy got me two x-mas's ago for knitting. Its a super cushy recliner that rocks and it matches our couch. The sound of the water and the wave box is the most calming, soothing, tranquil sound ever and sometimes it brings tears to my eyes when I look and listen to it because its so beautiful. It will put you to sleep. I do my daily meditation in front of the fish tank. The tank is a totally different place at night, its unbelievable. You see things that dont come out in the light, like all of our cleaner shrimp who are a beautiful butterscotch, blood red color with a white stripe down there back with long white antena's. They bounce around the rocks to clean them and jump on the fish to preen them of any parasites that might be on them (hint the "cleaner" name), and all the crazy snails that surface. We have thousands of these little snails that come out of the sand, no joke, and our big snails who come out of the sand on the glass to breed (wicked cool to watch), hundreds of the little star fish come out, worms poke out. Its amazing. All the fish hide and go to sleep. And as I was sitting here, the sun was slowly coming up and I could see the tank starting to change and wake up right before my eyes. I had never seen this process before, and it was breathtaking!!! I mean just simply amazing. This must be what the ocean looks and acts like when the sun rises everyday. All shrimp start to go back into hiding, and the fish slowly start to wake up and poke their heads out of their sleeping spots and move about. When they sleep, they change colors, mostly fade to blend in, and you see their colors start to change back into "day" colors. Our Maroon clown got all upset because I stood in front of her anemone and she started dive bombing and buring herself into it becase she thought I was "too close" for her comfort. Bitch. All of the corals and polyps started to slowly open and grow back to size (they shrink at night). I just cant explain it enough. It brought honest to god tears to my eyes. I have never witnessed something so magnificent in my life. This same thing has been happening everyday in the ocean for billions of years and Im lucky enough to be able to see it in my house!!! I feel bad, I feel like Ive taken my tank for granted and not truely paid enough attention to it, like I have this morning. For TWO years I have never taken the time to sit and watch this because, well, Im sleeping or in the living room watching T.V, like a moron. Ive watched them all go to bed which is awesome, but never wake up. I have a whole new appreciation for my tank that Ive never had before. Its just simply amazing and beautiful. Now all the fish are swimming around right in front of the glass where Im sitting saying goodmorning to me and "FEED ME!!". Some of you may not believe it, but my fish really do know who I am. When I walk into the room they race to the front of the glass and get all excited like a dog, but when a stranger walks in (like Boys boss last night) they change there colors to "pissed off" colors and hide until their gone. But all of this by just the natural sun light. Their lights arent even on yet, not for another 2 hours. I always thought we controled them and what they did. How egomanical of me to actaully think I could control something thats been happening for billions of years on their own. Sometimes us people really dont have a clue. We cant control everything like we think we can. Were completely oblivious to what really happens in the ocean or wild. I cannot believe though, that Ive taken so much of this tank for granted, and appreciate it and enjoy it more. Its a miracle that I have this little piece of ocean in my house and I am truely greatful that Ive been granted the gift to be able to keep it alive and thriving like I have. I love my tank :love: